I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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