I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
