The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
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