The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
