cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
