She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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