My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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