whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
