Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I'm passing your future prison.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
