Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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