his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
