based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize