The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
