Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
third nipple confirmed
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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