Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
