My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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