I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
