That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize