did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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