So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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