The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Ladies don't puke and tell
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
