Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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