GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
