so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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