batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
