I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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