my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
