my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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