mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
