I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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