Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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