Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
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