So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
