dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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