he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
