Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
