she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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