the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
