I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
