I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
