She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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