I faked an abortion last night.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
