I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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