I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
