Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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