On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
