The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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