Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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