if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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