that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
