I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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