Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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