I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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