i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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