Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
