New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
