Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I stole a fireplace last night.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
