Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize