Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
