My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
