There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
