Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
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