is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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