Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
