I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
you inspire me to be a worse person
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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