My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
