? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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