Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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