Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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