I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
