Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
the day after is always just damage control
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
