I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
