we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
