it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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